Darwin Award Near-Miss

For anyone not familiar with the Darwin Awards, they're awards given to people who improve the gene pool by removing themselves from it through their own stupidity.

Plymouth very nearly had it's own entrant to the Darwin Awards yesterday.

Given the number of chavs in this city (Due mainly to decades of inbreeding), it's only a matter of time before we get a Darwin Award proper which will put Plymouth where it belongs on the global map of stupidity.

Many people were shocked by the age of the boy but it goes to show:

"If you're stupid enough, you're old enough"

I'd bet good money that it was a Manchester United shirt.

Thank Goodness for Trading Funds

I don't normally blog about work (mainly due to my brother ruining any chance of anonymity for me) but I've been a bit worried that one of our new systems (codenamed "White Elephant") is using up quite a large amount of our resources.

If the initial take-up for it isn't very high, it could turn out to be an incredibly expensive flop.

However I found out today that there are plans for it to be made compulsory in a few years time.

Hoorah!

Thank goodness for trading funds, who else would be able to get the law changed to make sure their expensive new computer system is used?

Sham-orama

I don't understand the fuss being made over Tuesday's Panorama Special

Personally I think there's very little hard evidence shown in the program. I can't believe that they've named Sam Allardyce as a manager who takes bungs when they have no admission on his part (He isn't even in it.) Just the say so of agents who think they smell some money.

The only real scoop they have is in regards to the Middlesbrough academy player who Chelsea and Liverpool tried to poach. But they were too busy going after Big Sam to follow it up.

Harry Redknapp said to an agent that one of his players was the kind of footballer he'd like and that he'd be interested if he wanted to leave. That doesn't constitute an illegal approach as the player hasn't actually been approached, his agent approached Redknapp.

And why does Allardyce get the name dropping?

Several other Premier League managers were named by the agents but were bleeped out.

I should think the Beeb lawyers will have a busy few months ahead.

A couple of weeks earlier a completely different Panorama showed how Barry George had not received a fair trial. The evidence of this was indisputable but he's still rotting in jail with no news of a re-trial.

Why is it that the freedom of a potentially innocent man is less important than football?

Brainwave

I'd been thinking a bit more about getting bio-mass power plants past N.I.M.B.Y.'s and then I stumbled across a solution:

Every new bio-mass power plant has to have a Tesco superstore built in.

You can build a Tesco superstore anywhere and the N.I.M.B.Y.s love them.

Whatsmore you could retro-fit a bio-mass power plant to every existing Tesco superstore.

No one would notice all the extra lorrys as they would just blend in with the normal delivery and customer traffic.

As an added bonus, all the left over fruit and veg can go into the power station rather than just getting chucked away.

Tesco could even get into the energy market. This would force prices down and earn us all extra clubcard points. I can just the see slogans now:

"Tesco Electricity - Every Trickle Helps"

Irony

I saw this on sale at Tesco. The sick bastards will cash in on anything. I guess there'll be a revised edition coming out soon.

On a personal note I'm somewhat devastated. Top Gear has been my absolute favourite TV show since they brought it out in the current format and I don't think it would be the same without him.

Get well soon 'Hamster'.

It's been a while

I've been too busy blogging about football, criminal injustice and murderous politicians of late to talk about two of my favourite subjects...

N.I.M.B.Y.s & Water Companies

So imagine my delight when I here they could do battle.

Thames Water have had increasing shortages of water supply due to the fact that they've done little but count their profits ever since they took over from the (clearly unfit for purpose) public sector.

Until now all these water companies have done nothing but sprout out bullshit like "It's the wrong kind of rain" or "It's climate change" or "It's your own fault because you're using too much water"

However by announcing that they're going to create an enormous reservoir in Oxfordshire they've all but admitted that the shortages are due to their pisspoor management and lack of foresight (Or stupidity for selling off reservoirs to developers in the first place)

Naturally they won't pay the £1bn needed for this project, their customers will. But as their bills are miniscule compared to the ones we pay down here in the South West, I'm parked firmly in the "Don't give a toss" camp.

But what amused me the most about the whole story was when some local councillor ranted on the six o'clock news about how the reservoir would destroy "Unspoilt countryside". It's all farmland you stupid twat! It couldn't be more spoilt if you shoved a motorway through the middle of it.

I'm all for saving the countryside but the reality is there's very little of it left in Britain.

Which is why I get pissed off when people start coming out with tripe about "Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty" or AONBs as they're now called. If your house is in an AONB then it isn't natural is it dumbass?!? What they mean to say is "We think it looks pretty here and if you want to build a house for someone else to enjoy it, it will ruin it for us because we'll have less room for snobbery"

Unfortunately most of the locals seem to be in favour of this reservoir so I don't have as many N.I.M.B.Y.s to slag off as I would have liked.

But maybe if Thames Water could suggest converting it to a Hydro-Electric plant that might change a few minds. After all, nothing makes a N.I.M.B.Y. come out of their shell quite like renewable energy.

Broken record

Haven't we been here before?

Who are we going to find cut up in the woods this time?

Double Standard

Yet again I'm on here blogging about the double-standards of rape cases.

I know that the conviction rate is low (5.3%) and I know that women often find it difficult to come forward but I don't see how protecting the identity of a lying bitch who can do something like this helps either of these problems.

Personally I think she should be named and shamed just like sex offenders that are so clearly guilty that they can be identified before any trial has taken place.
Then she should go to prison and serve the five years her victim would have been in for.
Then her vagina should be filled in with non-toxic putty so that she's incapable of accusing people of raping her again.

Rapists are scum, people who falsely and knowingly accuse others of rape are far worse.

She shouldn't remain anonymous as she has no right to it.

Little Brat

For any readers of the Viz who wondered whatever happened to 'Spoilt Bastard', the Times has just started serialising his book.

Elsewhere, this man has said he's fed up with being called a 'failure'. He said this at a special conference alongside World Cup winner Marcello Lippi and World Cup runner up Raymond Domenech.

Personally I don't think it's fair on failure, comparing it with him makes the word seem so much more negative than it really is.

It reminds me of when I was in the Holte End last season and a large group of fans were singing:

"The shit are going down!" (In reference to Birmingham City)

and the bloke sat in front of me said:

"That's not a very nice thing to say about shit that is it!"

Duplication of effort

A lot of people whinge about public sector workers and generalise that we're all a bunch of lazy gits who are a burden to tax payers.

Now although I often refute this and argue that this isn't the case at my employer (HM Land Registry) I do find it bizarre that someone else in the public sector seems to be doing the same job as us.

Surely it's bad enough that the general public thinks we do little work of value. We can't have them thinking we do little valued work twice.

Mind you we now live in a country where we have teachers and classroom assistants, doctors and nurse practitioners, nurses and care nurses, police officers and community support officers so it's only a matter of time before we have civil servants and junior tax-wasters.

I wonder if the government has considered creating a similar role for the fire service called a Fire Liason Officer:

They don't actually put out the fire or carry people from burning buildings, they just assure the gathering crowd that they're aware of the problem and use a megaphone to advise anyone in the building that it is on fire and they should leave it immediately.
If it is a particularly 'serious' fire then they will contact a help desk who will offer them further guidance or (in extreme cases) dispatch a firecrew to extinguish the fire and pull out the charred remains of any occupants who didn't leave the building when advised to by the FLO.

If necessary a public enquiry will be launched into what started the fire in the first place and why so many people died from it.
The usual outcome will most likely be that fires are started by electrical goods from poorer/disadvantaged backgrounds. Lessons are learned from the mistakes that were made but no individual could be held into account for those mistakes.

Exit strategy

Some advice for Tony Blair as to how he should leave number 10:

1. Step outside the front door and say to the media (who you love so much) "I'm resigning".

2. Walk back into number 10 and phone Pickfords.

3. Tell Cherie and the kids to start packing their things.

4. LEAVE

Despite not voting for Labour in the last election, up until recently I was happy for Tony Blair to carry on as Prime Minister until midway in his current term. (The unnofficial plan)

What's changed my mind?

Lebanon, or to be more precise Israel.

Traditionally the US has sided with Israel due to its powerful Jewish lobby. No such lobby exists in the UK so we haven't had to back them.

In fact we're traditionally critical of their disproportionate responses to terrorist attacks. This is in fact the very reason why most of the world hates Israel, we don't support terrorist attacks but indescriminately killing the general population is far worse.

By invading Iraq, Blair went against the electorate and much of his party.

By failing to critisise Israel for its appalling offensive against Lebanon, he's not only gone against the above he's also gone against government policy.

He's erased that very fine pencil line that was drawn between us and the neo-conservative US administration in the eyes of the rest of the world. In short he has placed the British people in further danger, just to support his pal George.

He used to be seen as a great politician but now all I see is a preaching Neo-Con, more interested in serving his own interests then the interests of his country. Britain is not as right-wing as the US (where liberal is often used as a swear word) and he is now out of touch with his own government.

He is not the President of the UK, he is the head of his party so he can easily be replaced.

Get him out and get him out now!

Tony, if you're reading this I'm just hoping you're browsing the net to find some amusing quotes for your resignation speech.

Here's one: FUCK OFF!

Leave now whilst you can still do so with SOME dignity, it will only get uglier.

Fairwell Doug

I was reading the BBC article about Doug Ellis's departure today and I think they don't give Villa fans enough credit.

Yes we did want him out above all else but that didn't mean we don't respect what he's given the club. Yes you could argue that he's held the club back in the last few years but he maintained that he would only sell to a worthy buyer and he seems to have been true to his word.

Ok it's fair to say that he held on for too long. He should have gone when John Gregory left - that was when I'd had enough of him. But you can't give nearly 40 years of your life to something unless you are truly devoted to it.

Some of the more spiteful fans will no doubt be saying 'good riddance' but I think you have to see it like you would see the death of an elderly relative. I'm sure they would have had their faults but it's usually their strengths that they are remembered by. Ok we were more successful in the three years that he wasn't the chairman but in the 1990's we were regularly a top five team and taking part in European competitions.

As for the future, I think that aiming for UEFA qualification is a good start and then maybe in a couple of seasons (provided the gates go up and stay up) we can start a real challenge for the league.

On a seperate note, hurrah for stupidity.

Three grown adults go out for a birthday drink three nights before they are required to play a football match and come back just over two hours late. Naturally you should treat said adults as a bunch of naughty children and stop them from taking part in the very thing the curfew was for. If it means Olaf doesn't get injured and gets a nice rest for Saturday then fine by me, I'm not Swedish. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Lets have a heated debate

I was reading about how international football games need a revamp today and I have to agree. I propose the following:

1. Get rid of FIFA. The current system where each country has a vote is ridiculous and leaves FIFA wide open to corruption (which is rife). Each football association should put a set percentage of its revenue into FIFA's replacement organisation. Those who put in the most have the largest say in what happens. The money can then be redistributed properly (rather than badly) to football related charities/projects in poorer countries. This would mean that England, Italy and Spain would have more control over international football than Malta, Trinidad & Tobago and San Marino. In a nutshell, More pay = More say.

2. Introduce a pyramid scheme for qualification. Although you could argue that this is elitist, surely the whole point of a tournament like the World Cup or European Championship is to prove who's the best? Therefore it would make more sense to filter out the shite teams at an earlier opportunity. They would play against teams of similar strength until they improved enough to get promoted into a tougher group.
The groups could play mini summer tournaments on one of the 'odd' summers to establish who would be in the finals tournament the following summer.

3. Get rid of regional qualification. As part of the above measure, you would play teams of similar rank in a set location. So you wouldn't get in by default because there isn't a decent team in your part of the world.

4. Don't seed teams in the finals stage. By filtering out all of the crap earlier on it would be pointless to seed the teams that have made it into the finals. Especially if you're going to base it on something stupid like previous world cup form as the players that got you the results two or three world cups ago have most likely retired since.

5. As friendlies are too risky for clubs in their current state, get rid of the 90 minute game and have three 30 minute exhibitions. This means that an international manager could sub a player on or off three times to give everyone a fair amount of playing time and to see how well different players 'gel'. Plus it would make the game more interesting for the crowd. The best out of three wins the match overall.

6. Get rid of ranking points. Once the groups have been established, ranking points will be meaningless as any team with a mis-representative ranking will filter up or down accordingly. This will mean that Brazil will no longer have a ridiculous world ranking score due to the excessive amount of friendlies they play against shite.

7. Don't base the replacement to FIFA in Switzerland. There is something very wrong about basing an organisation which collects and distributes incredibly large amounts of money worldwide in a country that has a murky financial history and a tendancy to look the other way in regards to the operations of overseas bank account holders.

8. Give referees technical assistance in international tournaments. Football is the richest sport in the world yet with the exception of golf it is the only major sport that uses absolutely no technology to assist its officials. Tennis has cyclops and net sensors (although I believe only Wimbledon uses them), Cricket has the third umpire, Athletics has electronic starting blocks, freeze frame finish line cameras, stop watches etc. the list goes on. It is a farce that teams are encouraged to cheat as little is done to stop them. Not even retrospectively.

So if my reader has any feedback on my ideas or suggestions of their own then feel free to air it.

Instant justice

Russell Brand has been found guilty-by-media of rape.

Anyone who reads my blog will know that I normally put in a link to the bbc website for the story I'm on about. However the BBC seems to have this strange idea about not reporting people accused in rape cases. So I've linked this in instead.*

It does seem in this case that a woman has been raped as she's been sensible enough to go to the hospital to receive forensic tests. However, no-one knows who has raped her and as it would seem a DNA test will identify who did (and more importantly who didn't) rape her I don't see why those involved have to be named. Famous or not.

The victim is allowed (quite rightly) to remain anonymous but the accused is not. It doesn't make any sense.

As I've said before, you're supposed to be innocent until proven guilty but regardless of the outcome Russell Brand's name will now always be associated (by some) with rape.

Craig Charles to this day is still associated with rape despite being found innocent in court... My wife didn't even know he was found innocent until she saw me typing this. Why does this happen?

Because a media circus is created when the allegations come out but when the celebrity in question turns out to be innocent the media rarely seem interested in letting everyone know.

It doesn't help that the press complaints association is a toothless organisation run for the media by the media. If any form of media makes an allegation about someone which later turns out to be false then the retraction should be to the same scale as the allegation. (e.g. if it was a front page filling story, it should be a front page filling retraction)

* I should also point out that Russell Brand has a show on Radio 6 so the BBC may not be inclined to cover the story on those grounds.

Stitch up

I was reading about this today and I'm suspecting that the firemen in question were stiched up somewhat.

If I was a fireman and was asked to attend a gay pride march (note: march not festival) in full uniform to distribute leaflets I would refuse as well.

Quite simply why are firemen distributing leaflets at ANY march?

I didn't notice any uniformed fire officers distributing leaflets when islamic protesters marched in London against the cartoons that depicted the prophet Mohammed. It might even have been sensible for them to be there too being as some of the protesters were burning flags.

Throw in the fact that firemen are a gay icon and I would argue that the firemen who've been punished are within their rights to launch a counter claim of bullying and harrassment against whoever gave them these 'orders' and whoever punished them for refusing them.

Personally I think that whoever ordered them to do this did so knowing it would cause an upset and that it would at the very least piss a few of their underlings off. And if they refused to do it, all the better.

After all, when you can acuse them of being homaphobic you've got license to repremand them as much as you like.

Why not send them to Iraq as part of an exchange of fire prevention techniques?

Then if they refuse you can brand them Islamaphobes?